I have a genetic defect which renders me incapable of seeing dirt. Scientists call this gene mutation the "Y-chromosome."
This is usually not a problem. However, each year when it is time to vacuum the floors and carpets, I can't tell which parts of the floor or carpet have already been vacuumed and which haven't. This can lead to misunderstandings of a domestic character. But I have solved this problem, and am willing to share the solution with others who may be suffering from a similar genetic deformity.
Step 1. Get everyone who is not you out of the house for one hour. If the internet is working, make that an hour and twenty minutes.
Step 2. Access the hole puncher and take out all the holes that have been punched over the last 12 months. If there are not enough holes, punch some more.
Step 3. Spread the hole-punch holes uniformly over the carpet to be vacuumed.
Step 4. Vacuum up all the hole-punch holes.
Voila! Every individual carpet fiber has now been vacuumed and the other humans in your domestic situation will have no grounds for their complaints and accusations. Moral superiority is now yours for the next forty-three seconds. Revel in it!
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Thursday, February 2, 2012
In The Beginning . . .
... God made the earth flat because Man would have great difficulty comprehending it otherwise. And as we knoweth, everything is designed either so Man can comprehend it easily, or so that he cannot know it at all. Thus, if thou findest something is hard, then stop trying to figure it out. Bury thou thy talent deep in the earth lest God be displeased with his servant and smite thee.
2. And it came to pass that He placed the earth at the center of the universe, which at that time was a large glass sphere about sixty and six score cubits off the ground at the highest point, and was ordained with numerous tiny light bulbs that came on at night for decoration.
3. This dideth He lest by any means Man might be scared shitless by the vast, enormous, humongous expanse of empty, violent Space in which the earth, yea the whole earth on which thou standest, is but a microscopic, infinitesimally tiny speck of dust.
4. And it came to pass that Pharaoh and the Egyptians came and sent Eratosthenes to check out this "flat earth" thing and Lo! They discovered that the earth was actually round like unto a ball that was three thousand and seven hundred and four leagues in girth.
5. And this displeased God mightily, who in his wrath caused Egypt to become a dodgy third-world country in modern times.
6. And it came to pass that there arose a man named Johannes Kepler, and he did study the heavenly lightbulbs lo, for many nights studied he them. And there came other men, named Nicolaus of Copernica and Galileo of Florence saying that the data prove the earth was not at the center of anything, and this glass sphere of God's was an illusion that didn't exist.
7. And God saith, "Fine, have it your way." Because it was three against one, anyway, and their data was pretty darn convincing.
8. And on the 3.62004328966 x 10^12 day, God invented an astonishingly complex system of chemistry based on the Carbon atom which was capable of not only replicating molecules but adapting to conditions on the earth.
9. And it came to pass that Moses came, seeking background material for a book he was working on which he called "Genesis," but it wasn't anything to do with the band.
10. And God said, "See thou, Moses, my greatest work is a bio-programmable self-adapting system of biochemistry utilizing a code created from pairs of Guanine, Cytosine, Adenine and Thymine. Behold!"
11. And Moses said, "WTF are you talking about?"
12. And God said, "(SIGH!) Ok, the simplified version it is. Basically, I created the plants and herbs of the field, and the fish and fowl of the waters, and all the barnyard animals male and female created I."
13. And Moses said, "Can I quote you on that?"
Thanks, Kathy, for giving me the idea for this. I learned something really valuable from writing this post. Scripture is actually really easy to write. Because if someone says, "hey, God didn't say that," then you just say, "prove it!" and that's the end of the argument.
2. And it came to pass that He placed the earth at the center of the universe, which at that time was a large glass sphere about sixty and six score cubits off the ground at the highest point, and was ordained with numerous tiny light bulbs that came on at night for decoration.
3. This dideth He lest by any means Man might be scared shitless by the vast, enormous, humongous expanse of empty, violent Space in which the earth, yea the whole earth on which thou standest, is but a microscopic, infinitesimally tiny speck of dust.
4. And it came to pass that Pharaoh and the Egyptians came and sent Eratosthenes to check out this "flat earth" thing and Lo! They discovered that the earth was actually round like unto a ball that was three thousand and seven hundred and four leagues in girth.
6. And it came to pass that there arose a man named Johannes Kepler, and he did study the heavenly lightbulbs lo, for many nights studied he them. And there came other men, named Nicolaus of Copernica and Galileo of Florence saying that the data prove the earth was not at the center of anything, and this glass sphere of God's was an illusion that didn't exist.
7. And God saith, "Fine, have it your way." Because it was three against one, anyway, and their data was pretty darn convincing.
8. And on the 3.62004328966 x 10^12 day, God invented an astonishingly complex system of chemistry based on the Carbon atom which was capable of not only replicating molecules but adapting to conditions on the earth.
9. And it came to pass that Moses came, seeking background material for a book he was working on which he called "Genesis," but it wasn't anything to do with the band.
10. And God said, "See thou, Moses, my greatest work is a bio-programmable self-adapting system of biochemistry utilizing a code created from pairs of Guanine, Cytosine, Adenine and Thymine. Behold!"
11. And Moses said, "WTF are you talking about?"
12. And God said, "(SIGH!) Ok, the simplified version it is. Basically, I created the plants and herbs of the field, and the fish and fowl of the waters, and all the barnyard animals male and female created I."
13. And Moses said, "Can I quote you on that?"
Thanks, Kathy, for giving me the idea for this. I learned something really valuable from writing this post. Scripture is actually really easy to write. Because if someone says, "hey, God didn't say that," then you just say, "prove it!" and that's the end of the argument.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Another Amazing Date on the Calendar
On this blog I would normally drone on endlessly about this being the birthday of people like James Watt (1736), the Scottish inventor who made crucial improvements to some sort of engine and got a unit of power (1 Joule per second) named after himself, or Sir Henry Bessemer (1813) who invented a vitally important process for making steel in mass quantities (before that, steel was nearly as precious as gold). But these aren't the reasons this day is special to me.
 |
| General Lee. What? Is there some other General Lee? |
Of course where would Country Music be with out the birth on this day in 1946 of Dolly Parton? She's only the most successful female Country and Western artist of all times, and for obvious reasons. Although there have been no confirmed sightings of the elusive Ms. Parton since 1987, locals report seeing a large pair of bosoms occasionally entering or leaving the Parton compound. We can only assume that she is under there somewhere.
 |
| Ms. Parton is presumed to be in there, somewhere. There's no way to be sure. |
One of the great mysteries of the universe occurred on the 19th of January in 1943: the simultaneous birth in Canada of Princess Margriet of The Netherlands (which itself is kind of a mystery), and that of Janice Joplin in Port Arthur, Texas. Joplin is ranked by Rolling Stone magazine as the 46th greatest performer of all times. That feat was accomplished in only a four-year singing career, ending with Janice's death at age 27. Queen Beatrix probably wonders where she went so wrong with Margriet, who isn't even in the Top 10,000 performers of any given minute, let alone of all times. I mean, practically nobody has even heard of her, and she's lived way, way longer than Janice, too. According to the astrologers, she should "in theory" be able to sing exactly like this:
January 19th is believed to be the day in 1938 that General Motors commenced mass production of its first Diesel engine. Fifty-two years earlier on this date in 1886, the first skiing club in the US was formed in Minnesota. And in 1903 on this day the announcement was made of a new annual bicycle racing event in which the riders would pretty much make a complete tour of France. They never have been able to come up with a catchy name for it, so to this day they still just call it the Tour of France.
 |
| Diesel = Good. |
On this day in 1981, the unfortunately-named Beat Moor applied for a patent on an improved grip for ski poles. Exactly one year later in 1982, patent no. 4311321 was issued for a new kind of electronically-controlled ski binding release mechanism, and in 1995, a world patent by two Germans was published for a new kind of ski boot for some reason. Inventors have been quite busy, blaming their lack of skiing ability on inadequate equipment, when we know that really they're just a bunch of uncoordinated nerds.
With all these awesome things happening on the same date, it can hardly come as any surprise at all that January 19th would be the birthday of a most unique individual, an incredible skier, mountain biker and outdoorsman, a fantastic husband and father of three amazing kids, an immensely talented photographer, music video producer, musician, composer, arranger and recording engineer, and above all, an excellent driver. Happy Birthday, my friend. You know who you are. I don't doubt that someday everyone else will, too.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Too Much Stuff
It's possible to have too much stuff, but you usually only become aware of the fact when it's too late and you have to move it all to a different house.
After three years in a house that was too small for our stuff (some of it had to be left outside in the rain), it was finally time to move to a bigger house. Except for the stuff that had been ruined by being out in the rain, of course. Luckily, there was a Bring Out Your Dead day a few weeks before the big move.
To save about a thousand dollars, we decided to move ourselves. We rented a truck from Thrifty because the name simply appealed to us somehow for reasons we can't explain. It was a 3-tonne truck which is the largest you can operate in Western Australia with only a normal driver's license. It took four trips over a 48 hour period. We returned the truck at 1 o'clock in the morning.
(Like the music? Get it here.
)
By the end of it, my body felt like I had been hit by a truck. A big, blue truck with the word, "Thrifty" painted on the side. Four times.
Interestingly, we put 170 miles on the truck but used only 8 gallons of diesel. That makes it slightly better than 20 miles to the gallon.
This gave me an idea. I could load my tired old 1800-cc Toyota light truck into the back of this moving van and cart it around everywhere I went. I'd get better fuel economy that way. Plus it would save on wear and repairs. With nearly 450,000 kms on the clock (that's 280,000 miles for my metric-impaired readers), repairs are becoming more frequent. It would also save on speeding tickets.
How can you avoid getting saddled with too much stuff? I suggest moving house every few weeks.
Just to be on the safe side.
.
After three years in a house that was too small for our stuff (some of it had to be left outside in the rain), it was finally time to move to a bigger house. Except for the stuff that had been ruined by being out in the rain, of course. Luckily, there was a Bring Out Your Dead day a few weeks before the big move.
To save about a thousand dollars, we decided to move ourselves. We rented a truck from Thrifty because the name simply appealed to us somehow for reasons we can't explain. It was a 3-tonne truck which is the largest you can operate in Western Australia with only a normal driver's license. It took four trips over a 48 hour period. We returned the truck at 1 o'clock in the morning.
(Like the music? Get it here.
)By the end of it, my body felt like I had been hit by a truck. A big, blue truck with the word, "Thrifty" painted on the side. Four times.
Interestingly, we put 170 miles on the truck but used only 8 gallons of diesel. That makes it slightly better than 20 miles to the gallon.
This gave me an idea. I could load my tired old 1800-cc Toyota light truck into the back of this moving van and cart it around everywhere I went. I'd get better fuel economy that way. Plus it would save on wear and repairs. With nearly 450,000 kms on the clock (that's 280,000 miles for my metric-impaired readers), repairs are becoming more frequent. It would also save on speeding tickets.
How can you avoid getting saddled with too much stuff? I suggest moving house every few weeks.
Just to be on the safe side.
.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Theory of Awesomeness
One of the characteristics of a great, enduring Scientific Theory is its ability to organize random observations and facts into something more orderly. Something that makes sense. And at no time are we in more desperate need of organization than while moving house!
I have way, way too much stuff. Most of it is books. Then there's my calculators, watches, cameras, and various computer things. But then there are things that I have no idea why I have them, what they're good for, or where to put them. This is where the Theory of Awesomeness comes into its own.
Before, during and after the big move, I've had to make a seemingly endless series of decisions about what to keep, what to give to the Salvos*, and what to send to the Tip*. My Theory of Awesomeness makes these decisions vastly easier and in many cases so obvious that I don't know what I'd do without it. It's Awesome.
That's actually one way to define Awesomeness: the degree to which something is Awesome. But to avoid a tautology (look it up), Scientists are trained to define concepts like this quantitatively. Therefore,
where a0 is the baseline Awesomeness, U(t) is the item's usefulness or un-usefulness as a function of time, E(t) is the Elegance (or lack thereof) which is defined as the base-pi logarithm of the coolness, and d is the density. Obviously things that are Awesome because of rather than in spite of how much space they take up or how much they cost will require a different equation.
The real power of this equation is that it will be at least a week before someone emails me and says, "Hey, wait a minute . . . ."
While packing for the big move, each item's Awesomeness was calculated. If it was less than the baseline Awesomeness, I threw it away. If it was merely baseline Awesomeness, I gave it away. If an item was clearly and demonstrably Awesome, I kept it. For example, there were some books containing information that was irrelevant even when new, but which was now also out of date. These were tossed straight in the bin. Items of clothing for which the Awesomeness had worn out leaving large holes in them were also thrown out unless they could be used as awesome paint rags.
None of my calculators got thrown away or given away, owing to the fact that even the broken ones take up so little space and were in past times (t approaching negative infinity) very useful. Most of the books I own stayed because they have potential usefulness as t approaches infinity. All of my watches and clocks were saved from the axe due to their undiminishing elegance and/or coolness.
Highly subjective, you say? I don't think so. I defy anyone to prove that this incredibly practical Casio with a 10-year battery
is not both Useful and Cool. It is in fact the only digital watch I can be bothered to wear.
Or try to prove that this limited-edition watch isn't the coolest thing in the entire Solar System. The face revolves once per sidereal day and correctly displays the location in the southern hemisphere of 1000 celestial objects at any given time. As the months pass and the earth revolves around the sun, the dial keeps track of the changes in the night sky and shows me which constellations and stars are visible at the moment. That is, as long as I have the 10x magnifier that came with it. Sometimes I wear it even if I'm not particularly fussed about what stars are presently visible. It's the sort of watch that a great wizard like Dumbledore would have worn on a daily basis. Heck, it's the sort of watch Dumbledore would have invented.
Or, prove that this Seiko Chronograph
isn't completely and absolutely cool due to the rotary logarithmic slide rule built into the bezel. It can do unit conversions and multiplication or division (provided you know how a slide rule works AND have a magnifier handy - see previous). It is so cool that I had no choice but to give it to myself for my birthday.
Well, I couldn't have expected anyone else to realize that I needed a watch with a rotary logarithmic slide rule. Oh, sure, it's completely obvious in hindsight. But my understanding of the Theory of Awesomeness makes buying my own birthday presents the most practical and scientifically sound course of action.
So, the next time you have to make a decision about what to keep, what to throw away, what to donate, or what to buy that special engineer or scientist in your life for Newtonmas (only 30 shopping days left!), feel free to use my Theory of Awesomeness. If an item contains enough Awesomeness, it is worth having. It might even be worth the trouble of moving it to another house.
* Salvos is Australian slang for The Salvation Army, which in addition to being among Australia's many excellent religious organizations, operates an immensely useful chain of thrift stores.
* The Tip is the Australian word for a landfill.
I have way, way too much stuff. Most of it is books. Then there's my calculators, watches, cameras, and various computer things. But then there are things that I have no idea why I have them, what they're good for, or where to put them. This is where the Theory of Awesomeness comes into its own.
Before, during and after the big move, I've had to make a seemingly endless series of decisions about what to keep, what to give to the Salvos*, and what to send to the Tip*. My Theory of Awesomeness makes these decisions vastly easier and in many cases so obvious that I don't know what I'd do without it. It's Awesome.
That's actually one way to define Awesomeness: the degree to which something is Awesome. But to avoid a tautology (look it up), Scientists are trained to define concepts like this quantitatively. Therefore,
where a0 is the baseline Awesomeness, U(t) is the item's usefulness or un-usefulness as a function of time, E(t) is the Elegance (or lack thereof) which is defined as the base-pi logarithm of the coolness, and d is the density. Obviously things that are Awesome because of rather than in spite of how much space they take up or how much they cost will require a different equation.
The real power of this equation is that it will be at least a week before someone emails me and says, "Hey, wait a minute . . . ."
While packing for the big move, each item's Awesomeness was calculated. If it was less than the baseline Awesomeness, I threw it away. If it was merely baseline Awesomeness, I gave it away. If an item was clearly and demonstrably Awesome, I kept it. For example, there were some books containing information that was irrelevant even when new, but which was now also out of date. These were tossed straight in the bin. Items of clothing for which the Awesomeness had worn out leaving large holes in them were also thrown out unless they could be used as awesome paint rags.
None of my calculators got thrown away or given away, owing to the fact that even the broken ones take up so little space and were in past times (t approaching negative infinity) very useful. Most of the books I own stayed because they have potential usefulness as t approaches infinity. All of my watches and clocks were saved from the axe due to their undiminishing elegance and/or coolness.Highly subjective, you say? I don't think so. I defy anyone to prove that this incredibly practical Casio with a 10-year battery
is not both Useful and Cool. It is in fact the only digital watch I can be bothered to wear.
isn't completely and absolutely cool due to the rotary logarithmic slide rule built into the bezel. It can do unit conversions and multiplication or division (provided you know how a slide rule works AND have a magnifier handy - see previous). It is so cool that I had no choice but to give it to myself for my birthday.Well, I couldn't have expected anyone else to realize that I needed a watch with a rotary logarithmic slide rule. Oh, sure, it's completely obvious in hindsight. But my understanding of the Theory of Awesomeness makes buying my own birthday presents the most practical and scientifically sound course of action.
So, the next time you have to make a decision about what to keep, what to throw away, what to donate, or what to buy that special engineer or scientist in your life for Newtonmas (only 30 shopping days left!), feel free to use my Theory of Awesomeness. If an item contains enough Awesomeness, it is worth having. It might even be worth the trouble of moving it to another house.
* Salvos is Australian slang for The Salvation Army, which in addition to being among Australia's many excellent religious organizations, operates an immensely useful chain of thrift stores.
* The Tip is the Australian word for a landfill.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
A Very Auspicious Day - November 8
You might not be aware that November 8 is one of the most interesting dates on the entire calendar.
For example, on this day in 1889, Montana became the 41st State of the Union. Where would we be today if that hadn't happened? Not in Montana, that's for certain.
Also on this day, in 1895, Wilhelm Conrad Röntgen discovered X-Rays while messing around with electricity, thus creating a whole new way for scientists to be creepy. And proving once and for all that messing around with electricity is, on the whole, an excellent thing to do.
Speaking of creepy, November 8 is also famous for being the day in 1923 on which a confused young Adolf Hitler attempted to seize control of Germany by occupying a beer hall in Munich at gunpoint. And it just might have worked, if it hadn't been a completely idiotic idea!!!! Sure, Germans like beer, but there is so much more to Germany than that. Young Adolf wouldn't have necessarily understood such nuances of German culture, he himself being Austrian. And part Jewish. And his real name wasn't Hitler, but Schickelgrüber. Yes, he was a very confused young man, about a great many things.
But young Adolf learned his lesson, and after being released from prison he gave up trying to put his nefarious plans and half-baked sociological theories into effect by force. Instead, he did what everyone else does who lusts for power, and got himself elected democratically.
Which is why you must never vote for anyone who says, "Vote for ME." Because that person will absolutely, definitely be the next Hitler.
Speaking of villains and democracy, November 8 also marks the day in 1960 when Richard Milhous Nixon, the world's second most famous Quaker after the guy on the Oatmeal box
, was defeated in his bid to become the 35th POTUS. The voice of the People was clear and decisive in their rejection of Nixon as their 35th president. Nixon accepted this decision with good grace and resigned himself to becoming 37th president instead.
Remember that word, Dick. "Resign." It might come in handy again.
Speaking of resigning, today is the day in 2006 that the Worst Secretary of State Ever, Donald Rumsfeld, resigned.
While November 8 has seen its share of blood, such as the historic first-ever jet-on-jet aircraft dogfight (1950, USA 2, North Korea 0), or in 1520 when Denmark invaded Sweden for some reason, it has also been a day of peace. 1965, for example, when Britain officially abolished the death penalty. Or the signing of the Pacification of Ghent in 1576. And thank goodness for THAT. Just imagine what your life would be like if the Dutch town of Ghent were still full of angry Spaniards.
November 8th is also the birthday in 1622 of King Charles the 10th of Sweden, who spent most of his time trying to explain to the rest of the world that Sweden and Denmark are actually two completely different countries. By far the most interesting thing about him is that he was actually King Charles the 4th. But King Charles the 9th who was really King Charles the 3rd had chosen his number based on a book he read which he thought was a history of Sweden but which turned out to be a work of fiction. Thank goodness no democratically-elected leader in modern times would ever rely on fictional stories to make important decisions (ahem). The fact that George W. Bush had never read an entire book might actually have been for the best.
It is the birthday in 1836 of Milton Bradley, a wealthy Capitalist and entrepreneur who built a monopoly based on board games, which ironically did not include Monopoly
! Instead, Monopoly was the creation of a puritanical do-gooder who wanted to teach people about the evils and moral bankruptcy of Capitalism. The game failed miserably in this goal, and instead became the means of introducing millions of children to the endless joys and wonders of Capitalism. As a consequence, and much to her dismay, the self-righteous do-gooder became a fabulously wealthy Capitalist.
Also born on this day, in 1848, is Gottlob Frege, the German mathematician and logician who elevated Logic from something akin to the disreputable morass of Grecian rhetoric into a respectable branch of mathematics. Presumably he did this in an effort to figure out what on earth his parents were thinking. Next time you use an IF( ) function in Excel or draw a Chance card in Monopoly, thank Gottlob Frege.
One individual indebted to Gottlob Frege was the inventor of the integrated circuit, an item that makes prodigious use of Frege's formal mathematical logic. Jack Kilby
built and patented the first integrated circuit while working for Texas Instruments in 1958, and was promptly awarded the Nobel Prize. Well, relatively promptly. It apparently took 42 years for the news to reach Sweden. (All their mail was being delivered to Denmark by accident.) In any case, Jack's birthday could only be - you guessed it - November 8th!
Jack Kilby was an engineer after my own heart. He also invented the electronic calculator, which I regard as the greatest invention of all times. If I could put just one item into a time machine and send it to my personal hero Galileo (who famously never did anything on November 8th if he could help it), it would be a solar-powered scientific calculator. He really could have used one. And I have a few extra, including the Texas Instruments TI-30X IIs
, which in my studied opinion is the best calculator available today and a direct descendant of Jack Kilby's creation.
This day is also the birthday in 1656 of astronomer Edmund Halley, who correctly guessed the periodicity of the object now known as Halley's Comet. It is also the day before the birthday of astronomer and author Carl Sagan
. Twelve hundred years or so from now, November 8th will be celebrated by "millions and millions" of people throughout the inhabited Galaxy as Sagan-mas Eve.
Also in Astronomy, it is alleged to be the anniversary of the discovery in 1980 of a 15th moon of Saturn based on images taken by Voyager 1 (there are now at least 62 known moons of Saturn). Try as I may I have not been able to verify this claim, nor verify that the fried-egg-like Atlas was that lucky moon. Actually, this factoid is almost certainly wrong. But if it were true, how awesome would that be?
Verified, however, is the hair-raising near-miss of a 400-meter-wide asteroid, named 2005 YU55 for some reason, passing between the earth and moon on November 8 of 2011. Hey - that's TODAY!!!
If an object of that size were to collide with the earth, it's pretty much lights out for 90% of higher life forms on this planet, and even some politicians too. The chances that it will do so are zero, however. Its trajectory has been very accurately plotted, and it will definitely miss us. We'll be able to get a much better photo of it, though, so that's a bonus.
Shouldn't we really call this a near-hit instead of a near-miss?
It is the birthday of scary Irish author Bram Stoker
(1874), and notable user of language Gordon Ramsay (1966). It is the day English poet John Milton
regained paradise in 1674.
November 8 is the day in 1983 that the amazing James Booker
left us for the sunny side of the street. In honor of His Magnificence, please take a moment to listen to one of the great human achievements of all time:
So my friends, enjoy this absolutely amazing, one-of-a-kind day! What will I be doing on this most auspicious occasion? I am going to celebrate by laying in a hammock.
.
For example, on this day in 1889, Montana became the 41st State of the Union. Where would we be today if that hadn't happened? Not in Montana, that's for certain.
 |
| X-Rays: Creepy! |
 |
| Röntgen: Creepy. |
Speaking of creepy, November 8 is also famous for being the day in 1923 on which a confused young Adolf Hitler attempted to seize control of Germany by occupying a beer hall in Munich at gunpoint. And it just might have worked, if it hadn't been a completely idiotic idea!!!! Sure, Germans like beer, but there is so much more to Germany than that. Young Adolf wouldn't have necessarily understood such nuances of German culture, he himself being Austrian. And part Jewish. And his real name wasn't Hitler, but Schickelgrüber. Yes, he was a very confused young man, about a great many things.
But young Adolf learned his lesson, and after being released from prison he gave up trying to put his nefarious plans and half-baked sociological theories into effect by force. Instead, he did what everyone else does who lusts for power, and got himself elected democratically.
Which is why you must never vote for anyone who says, "Vote for ME." Because that person will absolutely, definitely be the next Hitler.
 |
| LOSER of the 1960 US Presidential Election |
, was defeated in his bid to become the 35th POTUS. The voice of the People was clear and decisive in their rejection of Nixon as their 35th president. Nixon accepted this decision with good grace and resigned himself to becoming 37th president instead. Remember that word, Dick. "Resign." It might come in handy again.
Speaking of resigning, today is the day in 2006 that the Worst Secretary of State Ever, Donald Rumsfeld, resigned.
While November 8 has seen its share of blood, such as the historic first-ever jet-on-jet aircraft dogfight (1950, USA 2, North Korea 0), or in 1520 when Denmark invaded Sweden for some reason, it has also been a day of peace. 1965, for example, when Britain officially abolished the death penalty. Or the signing of the Pacification of Ghent in 1576. And thank goodness for THAT. Just imagine what your life would be like if the Dutch town of Ghent were still full of angry Spaniards.
 |
| King Charles the Clueless |
It is the birthday in 1836 of Milton Bradley, a wealthy Capitalist and entrepreneur who built a monopoly based on board games, which ironically did not include Monopoly
! Instead, Monopoly was the creation of a puritanical do-gooder who wanted to teach people about the evils and moral bankruptcy of Capitalism. The game failed miserably in this goal, and instead became the means of introducing millions of children to the endless joys and wonders of Capitalism. As a consequence, and much to her dismay, the self-righteous do-gooder became a fabulously wealthy Capitalist.Also born on this day, in 1848, is Gottlob Frege, the German mathematician and logician who elevated Logic from something akin to the disreputable morass of Grecian rhetoric into a respectable branch of mathematics. Presumably he did this in an effort to figure out what on earth his parents were thinking. Next time you use an IF( ) function in Excel or draw a Chance card in Monopoly, thank Gottlob Frege.
 |
| Jack Kilby, Inventor of the Calculator and the Integrated Circuit. |
built and patented the first integrated circuit while working for Texas Instruments in 1958, and was promptly awarded the Nobel Prize. Well, relatively promptly. It apparently took 42 years for the news to reach Sweden. (All their mail was being delivered to Denmark by accident.) In any case, Jack's birthday could only be - you guessed it - November 8th!Jack Kilby was an engineer after my own heart. He also invented the electronic calculator, which I regard as the greatest invention of all times. If I could put just one item into a time machine and send it to my personal hero Galileo (who famously never did anything on November 8th if he could help it), it would be a solar-powered scientific calculator. He really could have used one. And I have a few extra, including the Texas Instruments TI-30X IIs
, which in my studied opinion is the best calculator available today and a direct descendant of Jack Kilby's creation. |
| Some of the calculators I have owned and used. Best Invention Ever. |
 |
| Atlas: Not Verified |
. Twelve hundred years or so from now, November 8th will be celebrated by "millions and millions" of people throughout the inhabited Galaxy as Sagan-mas Eve. Also in Astronomy, it is alleged to be the anniversary of the discovery in 1980 of a 15th moon of Saturn based on images taken by Voyager 1 (there are now at least 62 known moons of Saturn). Try as I may I have not been able to verify this claim, nor verify that the fried-egg-like Atlas was that lucky moon. Actually, this factoid is almost certainly wrong. But if it were true, how awesome would that be?
 |
| 2005 YU55. Verified. |
Verified, however, is the hair-raising near-miss of a 400-meter-wide asteroid, named 2005 YU55 for some reason, passing between the earth and moon on November 8 of 2011. Hey - that's TODAY!!!
If an object of that size were to collide with the earth, it's pretty much lights out for 90% of higher life forms on this planet, and even some politicians too. The chances that it will do so are zero, however. Its trajectory has been very accurately plotted, and it will definitely miss us. We'll be able to get a much better photo of it, though, so that's a bonus.
 |
| Bram Stoker's character scares the hell out of me. |
It is the birthday of scary Irish author Bram Stoker
(1874), and notable user of language Gordon Ramsay (1966). It is the day English poet John Milton regained paradise in 1674.November 8 is the day in 1983 that the amazing James Booker
left us for the sunny side of the street. In honor of His Magnificence, please take a moment to listen to one of the great human achievements of all time:So my friends, enjoy this absolutely amazing, one-of-a-kind day! What will I be doing on this most auspicious occasion? I am going to celebrate by laying in a hammock.
.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
An Unforgettable Incident, which I had somehow forgotten about.
I don't know what's more astonishing - the incident itself, or the fact that I managed to forget all about it for five years.
While searching my email archives for a piece of data that for some reason was suddenly a matter of highest importance after years of irrelevance, and which the following day was once again irrelevant, I stumbled upon an email from 2006 in which the following incident, possibly the weirdest food fight that ever took place, is recorded.
I was living in a rented house in Rivervale, WA that was experiencing a problem with the order Rodentia, specifically (har!) Mus Musculus. Fortunately, I had recently purchased 100 standard mousetraps
for a science project (don't ask) and was able to divert a few of them to the cause of discomfiting our uninvited guests.
The little buggers are smarter than they look, and after suffering a few casualties, they learned how to circumvent basic mousetrap technology by exercising unbelievable skill in stealing the bait. This resulted in an escalation of hostilities as I pitted my wits against theirs. I applied myself to making the traps even more sensitive using knowledge acquired as an R&D engineer, while simultaneously making alternative food sources completely unobtainable to them. All cardboard packaging was eliminated, all food was sealed within hard plastic containers, and all surfaces were divested of any food remains after the evening meal each night.
By bending the retaining wire just so and applying a thin film of olive oil, I was able to make the traps so sensitive that they would spontaneously deploy if I so much as failed to tread sufficiently lightly on the kitchen floor. This art claimed three or four more vermin. But there the death toll stayed for some weeks as the wily mice adapted their tactics to mine.
One evening the wife and I were just sitting down to our meal when I looked over and saw a large grey mouse scouring the kitchen floor for our leavings, bold as brass, making no effort to conceal herself, obviously taking advantage of the only opportunity for foraging that I had overlooked. It never occurred to me to clean the kitchen immediately after preparing the meal and before sitting down to enjoy it.
"Quick!" I whispered, not taking my eyes off the intruder, "Give me something to throw!" My startled but clever and self-possessed wife hesitated only very briefly. She picked up the first thing she could see (found in a bowl on the kitchen table, as it turns out) and placed it in my outstretched hand.
It was a medium-sized lemon from the tree in the backyard. I allowed my years of softball training to take control of my arm. On instinct alone without necessarily trying to aim, I threw the lemon hard. To my complete amazement, the lemon struck the mouse square on and killed it dead.
Never the squeamish sort, my wife walked over to the lemony-fresh rodent, picked it up by its lifeless tail and dropped it unceremoniously into the waste bin.
The only mice we saw after that were two young and very stupid mice, orphans obviously, who must take more credit for their own demise than I can. One was silly enough to get into the kitchen sink, from which he was unable to get out again (the sides being too high and smooth). The other got himself tangled up in a plastic grocery bag, which I was shrewd enough to detect. Plastic bags, you see, do not normally make rustling sounds of their own accord. Just call me Sherlock.
I can't imagine how I could have forgotten such a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. I honestly don't know who was more surprised at the thrown lemon's effect - me or the mouse. To be sure, there have been some traumatic and consuming events in the last few years, but what could compare with bagging a mouse with a lemon thrown sidearm while seated at the kitchen table? How many other people can boast of such an accomplishment?
One, at least. My wife had years ago dispatched a mouse in an office were she worked by throwing an order book at it like a frisbee.
.
While searching my email archives for a piece of data that for some reason was suddenly a matter of highest importance after years of irrelevance, and which the following day was once again irrelevant, I stumbled upon an email from 2006 in which the following incident, possibly the weirdest food fight that ever took place, is recorded.
I was living in a rented house in Rivervale, WA that was experiencing a problem with the order Rodentia, specifically (har!) Mus Musculus. Fortunately, I had recently purchased 100 standard mousetraps
for a science project (don't ask) and was able to divert a few of them to the cause of discomfiting our uninvited guests. |
| Mus Musculus, or common house mouse. |
By bending the retaining wire just so and applying a thin film of olive oil, I was able to make the traps so sensitive that they would spontaneously deploy if I so much as failed to tread sufficiently lightly on the kitchen floor. This art claimed three or four more vermin. But there the death toll stayed for some weeks as the wily mice adapted their tactics to mine.
One evening the wife and I were just sitting down to our meal when I looked over and saw a large grey mouse scouring the kitchen floor for our leavings, bold as brass, making no effort to conceal herself, obviously taking advantage of the only opportunity for foraging that I had overlooked. It never occurred to me to clean the kitchen immediately after preparing the meal and before sitting down to enjoy it.
"Quick!" I whispered, not taking my eyes off the intruder, "Give me something to throw!" My startled but clever and self-possessed wife hesitated only very briefly. She picked up the first thing she could see (found in a bowl on the kitchen table, as it turns out) and placed it in my outstretched hand.
It was a medium-sized lemon from the tree in the backyard. I allowed my years of softball training to take control of my arm. On instinct alone without necessarily trying to aim, I threw the lemon hard. To my complete amazement, the lemon struck the mouse square on and killed it dead.
Never the squeamish sort, my wife walked over to the lemony-fresh rodent, picked it up by its lifeless tail and dropped it unceremoniously into the waste bin.
The only mice we saw after that were two young and very stupid mice, orphans obviously, who must take more credit for their own demise than I can. One was silly enough to get into the kitchen sink, from which he was unable to get out again (the sides being too high and smooth). The other got himself tangled up in a plastic grocery bag, which I was shrewd enough to detect. Plastic bags, you see, do not normally make rustling sounds of their own accord. Just call me Sherlock.
I can't imagine how I could have forgotten such a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. I honestly don't know who was more surprised at the thrown lemon's effect - me or the mouse. To be sure, there have been some traumatic and consuming events in the last few years, but what could compare with bagging a mouse with a lemon thrown sidearm while seated at the kitchen table? How many other people can boast of such an accomplishment?
One, at least. My wife had years ago dispatched a mouse in an office were she worked by throwing an order book at it like a frisbee.
.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
How I Injured Myself
The Temporohumorous Field, a recently-discovered 5th force of nature, causes funny things to become less so later on, and not-funny things to become downright hilarious as time passes.
This happened a few years ago, naturally making it a lot less funny now than it was then. Or is it funnier now, because it was painful at the time that it occurred. Or is it . . . no, I'd better stop now before I injure my brain.
How I Injured Myself at the Shed
I went up to the Shed last weekend with the intention of getting on top of the firewood situation, but I came back with a piece missing.
I've been using a lot of firewood lately due to the chilly Bindoon nights. Fortunately I got my chainsaw working again, so I could finally do something about replenishing the supply. As I was revving away through various logs, tree trunks, branches and the occasional large spider, I wasn't paying the fullest attention to what I was doing. I looked down, and I'm sure you've seen this one coming, I found myself standing in the middle of, yes, you guessed it:
a large pile of firewood.
Some of it was too big for the wood stove and needed to be split. So I put the chainsaw away, got out my trusty Splitting Maul
(actually not so trusty as it broke the next day - I suggest getting a steel-handled one as described in the link) and started bashing away. Then, as often happens in these type of situations, the blade missed its mark, glanced off the log and hit the ground, narrowly missing my foot and hitting a large rock instead. With the edge dented, the job would be even harder. So I went inside the Shed and set up the grinding wheel.
As I was leaning in to the grinding wheel to get that perfect edge on my axe, I could feel sparks from the wheel hitting my fingers. I could feel the axe head getting hot, too. I also started to feel very hungry, so I put the axe down, turned off the grinder and went to make a sandwich.
The bread was unsliced, so I got out the cheap thrift-store breadknife that I keep at the Shed and started sawing away, sawing and sawing and sawing back and forth through the bread, when I momentarily became distracted by an interesting thought. "Why am I wasting my time with sandwiches when there's a nice steak in the freezer?"
So I put the useless breadknife away and got out the frozen steak. I decided that while the cast-iron skillet was warming up on the portable gas stove, I would try to trim off some of the fat using my Swiss Army knife. You know how holding a frozen steak with one hand while trying to cut with the other makes your fingers frozen, numb, and more than a little clumsy? Well, that didn't happen to me, because as I was getting the knife out, I had yet another thought.
What else goes really good with steak? Grilled onions! Mmmm.
It was delicious. But I nicked the tip of my left thumb while slicing the onion. You can never be too careful when doing reckless, dangerous things like eating vegetables.
This happened a few years ago, naturally making it a lot less funny now than it was then. Or is it funnier now, because it was painful at the time that it occurred. Or is it . . . no, I'd better stop now before I injure my brain.
How I Injured Myself at the Shed
I went up to the Shed last weekend with the intention of getting on top of the firewood situation, but I came back with a piece missing.
I've been using a lot of firewood lately due to the chilly Bindoon nights. Fortunately I got my chainsaw working again, so I could finally do something about replenishing the supply. As I was revving away through various logs, tree trunks, branches and the occasional large spider, I wasn't paying the fullest attention to what I was doing. I looked down, and I'm sure you've seen this one coming, I found myself standing in the middle of, yes, you guessed it:
a large pile of firewood.
Some of it was too big for the wood stove and needed to be split. So I put the chainsaw away, got out my trusty Splitting Maul
(actually not so trusty as it broke the next day - I suggest getting a steel-handled one as described in the link) and started bashing away. Then, as often happens in these type of situations, the blade missed its mark, glanced off the log and hit the ground, narrowly missing my foot and hitting a large rock instead. With the edge dented, the job would be even harder. So I went inside the Shed and set up the grinding wheel.As I was leaning in to the grinding wheel to get that perfect edge on my axe, I could feel sparks from the wheel hitting my fingers. I could feel the axe head getting hot, too. I also started to feel very hungry, so I put the axe down, turned off the grinder and went to make a sandwich.
The bread was unsliced, so I got out the cheap thrift-store breadknife that I keep at the Shed and started sawing away, sawing and sawing and sawing back and forth through the bread, when I momentarily became distracted by an interesting thought. "Why am I wasting my time with sandwiches when there's a nice steak in the freezer?"
So I put the useless breadknife away and got out the frozen steak. I decided that while the cast-iron skillet was warming up on the portable gas stove, I would try to trim off some of the fat using my Swiss Army knife. You know how holding a frozen steak with one hand while trying to cut with the other makes your fingers frozen, numb, and more than a little clumsy? Well, that didn't happen to me, because as I was getting the knife out, I had yet another thought.
What else goes really good with steak? Grilled onions! Mmmm.
It was delicious. But I nicked the tip of my left thumb while slicing the onion. You can never be too careful when doing reckless, dangerous things like eating vegetables.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
How To Lie in a Hammock
It's not junk food. It's not driving slightly over the posted limit. It's not carrying a few extra pounds around the middle. It's not chlorine or fluorine in the drinking water. It isn't those overhead high-voltage power lines (an awe-inspiring monument to what separates Man from the animals: his ability to make electricity). Neither is it drinking from plastic bottles, cooking salty food in a teflon pan, or licking cholesterol-based pork-flavored frosting directly off of aluminium pots. It's not even duct-taping a dozen active cell phones to your head and calling all of them at once. None of these things can actually kill you.
Stress is the real killer. Do something about stress, and these other risk factors take care of themselves. Ignore stress, and you're caught in a non-stop game of whack-a-mole with a never-ending stream of environmental health hazards, many of which you can do nothing about. But what can your average Joe do about stress? Plenty.
When men are relaxed, composed, well-rested and get the required amount of sleep, they perform better on the job, have stronger marriages, have better relationships with their kids, fewer car accidents, fewer health problems, more hair, and a longer schwanz.
(Well, probably. We haven't actually tried to get data on that last one.)
Men, it is virtually YOUR DUTY as a husband or father to go lie in a hammock. RIGHT NOW!
Here's how to make hammock-time a safe and enjoyable means to a longer, happier life, rather than the painful, embarrassing Funniest-Home-Videos experience it has the potential to become.
1. Find two stout trees in a quiet location that are 12 feet apart and each at least 8 inches in diameter. I strongly advise against hammocks slung on a metal frame, between posts of a patio, or on hooks screwed to a wall or ceiling. No hook, eye bolt or screw from a hardware store will do the job, and 2x4s or even 4x4s are not suitable. You need trees.
If the trees are too close together, your bum will drag on the ground. If they are too far apart, your bum will drag on the ground. Weird, isn't it? It's paradoxes like that which motivated me to study physics and mathematics in the first place. The really important questions in life.
2. Get two pieces of strong rope, half inch diameter give or take, about 5 feet long, but long enough to wrap around your trees three times with a foot or two left over. Tape and melt the ends to prevent fraying (if natural fiber, tape or lash the ends and apply glue). I like to wrap the rope in tape at the cut before I cut it, to forestall any unraveling.
3. One end of the rope attaches to the loop on the end of your Hammock
as shown. Pass the end through the loop, behind and around the hammock cord, and then under itself. Do not make a more complicated knot than this, because a) it will not hold any better, b) it will be more stressful on you and on the rope. The secret to hanging in there for the long haul (physically and metaphorically) is to manage stress and keep things simple.
4. The other end of each rope is wrapped around a tree at about head-height like this. The second pass goes under the first, on the side of the tree facing directly away from the other tree. The third pass makes a loop which is put under the second pass as shown. Why a loop? When it starts raining you can pull this end of the rope and have your hammock stowed away in seconds flat. Again, don't try to make the knot more complicated. If done correctly, the rope will break long before this knot ever lets go. The bark of the tree provides friction against the rope, so don't attempt this on metal poles, smooth timber posts, or on anything other than a natural tree, or with anything other than twisted multi-strand rope.
5. See that the hammock hangs approximately as shown (below). If it hangs too slack, it will be uncomfortable. If it doesn't hang enough, you could break the ropes and end up with a bruise on your backside and your ego.
6. Lie diagonally across the hammock, not lengthwise. Hammocks are more stable this way, and you will not flip over and fall flat on your face to the utter glee and amusement of anyone who happens to be videoing you on their cell phone.
An empty hammock forms a geometric shape called a Catenary. It is the solution to an elliptical integral equation which has no simple algebraic form. It is one of Nature's most beautiful shapes, in my opinion. Interestingly (well, to me anyway) it is also the shape assumed by a thin, flexible elastic object, such as the blade of a saw, when the ends are pushed towards one another.
When a typical 200 pound man sits in the middle of a hammock, how much tension is on each rope? Would you say one hundred pounds, which would be the total weight shared evenly by the two ropes? No! This is why many hammocks fail. The rope tension is actually much higher than that. If the trees are 12 feet apart and the total hammock length is 15 feet, then the rope tension is 167 pounds. If you shorten the hammock by 1 foot, the tension increases to 194 pounds. Taking another foot off makes it 260 pounds. I'll leave the details of the vector geometry for the reader to do as an exercise.
As the hammock is shortened so that it doesn't hang down at all, the force theoretically approaches infinity. But long before that happens, the trees lean inwards to reduce the tension, or the rope stretches slightly, or something breaks. Again, do not use metal hooks, screws, bolts, hangers, eyes, or anything from a hardware store other than good, honest rope and two solid trees in a quiet location. If these steps are followed to the letter, I personally guarantee you total relaxation, longer life, better health and significantly fewer incidents of public humiliation. Or your money back.
Stress is the real killer. Do something about stress, and these other risk factors take care of themselves. Ignore stress, and you're caught in a non-stop game of whack-a-mole with a never-ending stream of environmental health hazards, many of which you can do nothing about. But what can your average Joe do about stress? Plenty.
When men are relaxed, composed, well-rested and get the required amount of sleep, they perform better on the job, have stronger marriages, have better relationships with their kids, fewer car accidents, fewer health problems, more hair, and a longer schwanz.
(Well, probably. We haven't actually tried to get data on that last one.)
Men, it is virtually YOUR DUTY as a husband or father to go lie in a hammock. RIGHT NOW!
Here's how to make hammock-time a safe and enjoyable means to a longer, happier life, rather than the painful, embarrassing Funniest-Home-Videos experience it has the potential to become.
1. Find two stout trees in a quiet location that are 12 feet apart and each at least 8 inches in diameter. I strongly advise against hammocks slung on a metal frame, between posts of a patio, or on hooks screwed to a wall or ceiling. No hook, eye bolt or screw from a hardware store will do the job, and 2x4s or even 4x4s are not suitable. You need trees.
If the trees are too close together, your bum will drag on the ground. If they are too far apart, your bum will drag on the ground. Weird, isn't it? It's paradoxes like that which motivated me to study physics and mathematics in the first place. The really important questions in life.
2. Get two pieces of strong rope, half inch diameter give or take, about 5 feet long, but long enough to wrap around your trees three times with a foot or two left over. Tape and melt the ends to prevent fraying (if natural fiber, tape or lash the ends and apply glue). I like to wrap the rope in tape at the cut before I cut it, to forestall any unraveling.3. One end of the rope attaches to the loop on the end of your Hammock
as shown. Pass the end through the loop, behind and around the hammock cord, and then under itself. Do not make a more complicated knot than this, because a) it will not hold any better, b) it will be more stressful on you and on the rope. The secret to hanging in there for the long haul (physically and metaphorically) is to manage stress and keep things simple. |
| Second pass: goes under first pass. |
4. The other end of each rope is wrapped around a tree at about head-height like this. The second pass goes under the first, on the side of the tree facing directly away from the other tree. The third pass makes a loop which is put under the second pass as shown. Why a loop? When it starts raining you can pull this end of the rope and have your hammock stowed away in seconds flat. Again, don't try to make the knot more complicated. If done correctly, the rope will break long before this knot ever lets go. The bark of the tree provides friction against the rope, so don't attempt this on metal poles, smooth timber posts, or on anything other than a natural tree, or with anything other than twisted multi-strand rope.
 |
| Third pass: loop held by second pass. |
5. See that the hammock hangs approximately as shown (below). If it hangs too slack, it will be uncomfortable. If it doesn't hang enough, you could break the ropes and end up with a bruise on your backside and your ego.
 |
| A Catenary. |
An empty hammock forms a geometric shape called a Catenary. It is the solution to an elliptical integral equation which has no simple algebraic form. It is one of Nature's most beautiful shapes, in my opinion. Interestingly (well, to me anyway) it is also the shape assumed by a thin, flexible elastic object, such as the blade of a saw, when the ends are pushed towards one another.
When a typical 200 pound man sits in the middle of a hammock, how much tension is on each rope? Would you say one hundred pounds, which would be the total weight shared evenly by the two ropes? No! This is why many hammocks fail. The rope tension is actually much higher than that. If the trees are 12 feet apart and the total hammock length is 15 feet, then the rope tension is 167 pounds. If you shorten the hammock by 1 foot, the tension increases to 194 pounds. Taking another foot off makes it 260 pounds. I'll leave the details of the vector geometry for the reader to do as an exercise.
As the hammock is shortened so that it doesn't hang down at all, the force theoretically approaches infinity. But long before that happens, the trees lean inwards to reduce the tension, or the rope stretches slightly, or something breaks. Again, do not use metal hooks, screws, bolts, hangers, eyes, or anything from a hardware store other than good, honest rope and two solid trees in a quiet location. If these steps are followed to the letter, I personally guarantee you total relaxation, longer life, better health and significantly fewer incidents of public humiliation. Or your money back.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The Same Old Joke
I have an acquaintance in America (and you know who you are!) who resorts to the same joke every time he sees me on my occasional visits back home.
He always says to me, "So, John! What's it like down there in Australia? How do you keep from falling off the planet?"
When I have not been clever or quick enough to avoid this recurring banality, the answer I give is an eye-for-an-eye. I also resort to the same old joke.
"We wear very heavy boots."
This has become a kind of ritual, though I've been getting better at avoiding this person for the last few visits.
Don't get me wrong - I truly value my acquaintance with good, solid, down-to-earth folks like him. Having friends like that back home makes living far, far away in Australia so much easier.
And so much more preferable. Unfathomable distance has its benefits.
He always says to me, "So, John! What's it like down there in Australia? How do you keep from falling off the planet?"
When I have not been clever or quick enough to avoid this recurring banality, the answer I give is an eye-for-an-eye. I also resort to the same old joke.
"We wear very heavy boots."
This has become a kind of ritual, though I've been getting better at avoiding this person for the last few visits.
Don't get me wrong - I truly value my acquaintance with good, solid, down-to-earth folks like him. Having friends like that back home makes living far, far away in Australia so much easier.
And so much more preferable. Unfathomable distance has its benefits.
 |
| On this occasion, the nearest human being was some 50 miles away. Yay! |
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
This Made Me Laugh
I realize not everyone will think this is funny, because it makes light of a very serious problem. A very painful and significant problem that men sometimes have to deal with in their lives.
On the other hand, I have just one criteria for judging humor: it's funny if I laugh.
And this made me laugh:
Bruce and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Bruce says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
If you write to complain that this is actually no laughing matter at all, I will understand. Completely! Seriously, I am with you 100%. I certainly know how incredibly aggravating and frustrating it is to misplace a tool. You KNOW you had it just a minute ago, where could it have got to? That poor plumber is probably looking EVERYWHERE for his missing wrench. I can only imagine how annoyed, thoroughly put-out and vexed a horse would feel if it got back to the stable only to discover it was missing an entire jockey.
Just the other day I was searching for this, a treasured memento of my grandfather, Jack Snell, and a damn useful tool. This was his actual pair of pliers/strippers/crimpers that he used on the job at the Bingham Canyon Mine
. It even has his payroll number engraved on the handle.
Now, of course, it is in a special place, well protected, so that I know EXACTLY where it is when I need it next. For crimping connectors and stripping wire, of course. That's why he gave it to me. He knew I'd actually use it.
I would be extremely annoyed if I ever lost this valuable item.
Bruce and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Bruce says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
If you write to complain that this is actually no laughing matter at all, I will understand. Completely! Seriously, I am with you 100%. I certainly know how incredibly aggravating and frustrating it is to misplace a tool. You KNOW you had it just a minute ago, where could it have got to? That poor plumber is probably looking EVERYWHERE for his missing wrench. I can only imagine how annoyed, thoroughly put-out and vexed a horse would feel if it got back to the stable only to discover it was missing an entire jockey.
Just the other day I was searching for this, a treasured memento of my grandfather, Jack Snell, and a damn useful tool. This was his actual pair of pliers/strippers/crimpers that he used on the job at the Bingham Canyon Mine
. It even has his payroll number engraved on the handle.Now, of course, it is in a special place, well protected, so that I know EXACTLY where it is when I need it next. For crimping connectors and stripping wire, of course. That's why he gave it to me. He knew I'd actually use it.
I would be extremely annoyed if I ever lost this valuable item.
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