How Marriage Works

A surgeon doesn't have to have a heart attack before he can be an expert in cardiology.

But it helps!

I am only on my second marriage. I am by no means an expert.  Besides, I'm not certain if being divorced gives me any credibility as an expert, or just the opposite.  Perhaps it doesn't signify anything at all.  In any case, I recently came across a saying that resonated with me as containing an essential truth:

A woman's greatest disappointment is discovering that men don't change.
A man's greatest disappointment is discovering that women do.

While it is a gross generalization that women frequently change their minds and constantly re-analyze their decisions, and men generally stick doggedly to a decision once they've made it, it is a generalization that bears up under scrutiny.  And it affects how marriage works, while explaining why it often doesn't.

Women (following my gross generalization) consider their habit of constantly re-evaluating their decisions to be a virtue, and one which men would do well to emulate.  As long as it is to the woman's benefit.

Men consider their dogged persistence and refusal to constantly second-guess themselves to be a virtue, and one which women would do well to emulate, except when the decision was a silly, womanish one to begin with, obviously.

So, how is it possible for anyone to have both a good marriage and a long-lasting one?  And should we assume that the two are one and the same?

"No kangaroos here - only us . . .
um . . . what are we again?"

In the introduction to this book by Marcus Buckingham, which is not about marriage at all, the author cites efforts to study successful marriage through analyzing the causes of divorce in all their variety.  Such efforts make about as much sense as a plan to study kangaroos by analyzing and cataloging each of the specific locations in the world where they do not exist.  He then tells of another effort to understand marriage by - remarkably enough - studying successful marriages!

What did they find?  That successful marriage was mostly an illusion.  Smoke and mirrors.  Oh, the people participating in them were real enough, and they were genuinely happy and in love, some into their 7th and 8th decade of wedded bliss.  But what made them that way was nothing material, and nothing that anyone in the world could not choose to have at any time:  Thoughts.

Each successfully-married person in the study had an unshakable illusion about their partner which caused them to attribute to all of their partners' words and actions only the most optimistic and loving possible motives. They genuinely believed that their partner was the best person in the world, and anything their partner said or did served only to reinforce that belief.  Confirmation bias turned useful.

And the habit of making the most charitable, positive assumptions about one's marriage partner had a feedback effect on their partners, making them more likely to do little things that reinforced their partner's illusions. Another example of the power of beliefs to actually construct one's reality.

Can only incurable, insufferable Optimists have a great marriage?  Yes. The answer is yes, and the rest of us are doomed.

No!  Just kidding!  Everyone has the option and the possibility, available to them at any moment of every day, of making themselves into an optimist, and therefore of leading a happy, long, productive and successful life.

Oh, what - is that TOO HARD?  Is your ego afraid of losing its grouchy, poor, sick and lonely identity if you accept optimistic beliefs?  Are you going to stay miserable just to keep your ego happy?  It isn't even you!  Your ego, your conditioned mind, is just someone else's discarded thoughts living in your head.

Keep in mind that optimistic beliefs are no more or less objectively valid than pessimistic ones, but have the advantage that THEY, unlike negative thoughts and pessimistic beliefs, do not cause depression, illness, divorce, poverty and early DEATH.  You have nothing to lose, and a lot to gain by focusing on the positive side of life, and making positive attributions to things that happen to you.

How is this possible?  It works because few things that happen to you are objectively good or bad.  The Mind, however, is a Meaning Making Machine, and before you can say, "Unconscious!" your brain has judged an event happening to you as having a positive or negative meaning or emotional context.  It's nothing more than a belief.  Pessimists habitually and unconsciously make negative meanings out of everything, even things that for most people would be welcome news.  Optimists automatically make positive meanings out of every possible thing, period.  Even death ("Well, at least the suspense is over!").

A pessimist could even win the lottery and STILL manage to feel bad about it ("This is going to cost me a bloody fortune in accountant's fees.").

Are you born pessimistic or optimistic?  No.  You get that way through your social conditioning.  The conditioned mind, however, gives you the illusion that your thoughts are who and what you are, and that there's nothing you can do about it.  All false!  You certainly can do something about it.  The hardest part is believing that it is possible in the first place.

Changing your own unconscious mind into one that allows you to be happy, healthy, wealthy and have an excellent and fulfilling marriage is relatively easy as long as you accept the possibility.  Getting someone else to change, however, is practically impossible, and rather ill-advised when it comes to it.

Women who aspire to change their husbands into something they believe to be more suitable can have one of two disastrous things go wrong.  The first and obvious thing that can go wrong is they can  fail entirely.  The second, and far worse thing that could happen is they might actually succeed.

When a woman tries to make her husband change in any way, the male brain interprets that as "I don't love you, you're not good enough, I'm not happy, and it's your fault."  Girls, is that what you meant to say?

If the husband complies, it is because he has low self-esteem.  If he resists, it is because he believes in himself and knows who he is.  Ladies, which would you really rather be married to?  Be honest.

But if the woman actually succeeds in making her husband change outwardly, she discovers that she isn't really all that attracted to him anymore.  He's just a slightly hairier version of herself.  Barf!

In thirteen years of marriage, my first wife changed me into something to which she was better able to relate: a sick, angry, depressed, victimized, ill-tempered pussy who wished he was dead.  When I showed signs of wanting to change back, her conditioned mind felt threatened and made her become even more emotionally abusive.  Finally, an event occurred which I once judged to be the worst moment in my life, but which I am now delighted to have experienced:  she evicted me from the family home. A year later I divorced her.

And that's how marriage works.  It isn't a guarantee, it isn't a partnership.  It isn't something you have to change for, and it isn't even two people yelling at the same kids.  Marriage is a belief about who that person really is, snoring there on the pillow next to you, what they want, and why their stuff is taking up all the space in your closet.

An optimist would see that as a good thing, and would get a beautiful feeling inside.

Helpful Tip for Guys

Gentlemen, if you ever find yourself stranded on Thanksgiving Day in the estrogen-soaked suburbs with no heavy industry, metal works, machine shops, hardware stores or even a half-decent Shed nearby, and you are stuck with a dull carving knife that wouldn't cut soft butter on a warm day, then here is something you can do:

Use the bottom unglazed rim of a coffee mug to sharpen the knife.  Ten or twenty strokes each side with firm pressure and a steady hand should do it.  Ceramic is harder than steel, and unglazed it has just enough roughness to work in an emergency.

However, make sure you are well out of sight and even earshot of any WAGs.  Because nothing you can say will convince them that you are NOT somehow destroying the mug, the knife, your health, your credit rating, your children's futures, and any chance they may have had of getting into a good college someday.  They will not understand this unauthorized use of kitchenware.

So we'll just keep this our little secret, shall we.






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Pernicious Lies Masquerading as Enlightened Whiz-Dumb

We've all seen them on the social networking sites:  feel-good aphorisms written on attractive pictures of kittens and little children.  They are the kinds of statements with which on the surface no one would ever directly disagree.  Few people realize how destructive these lies can be.

Much of their destructive power arises exactly because they seem so sweet on the outside that polite people dare not disagree with them for fear of being labeled an ogre, anti-social, or simply a grouch.  We swallow them without a thought and repeat them whenever seems appropriate, thus spreading the brain viruses and fanning the current  epidemic of unconsciousness.

To misquote the late Richard Feynman, "What do I care what other people think?"  Call me a grouch if you must, but I'm going to take on these pernicious lies and expose them for what they are:  flaxen shackles of the Victimhood Mentality that enslaves most of Mankind.

First up:

While this may seem like a reminder to always bend over backwards to avoid any misunderstandings, that may be exactly what's wrong with this picture.  Oh, there are so many errors here I'll have to start a list!

1. If someone misunderstands you in a poisonous, negative way, it is because they have filters that are tuned to see things in the worst possible way. It's their stuff, NOT YOURS!
2. If you believe that a misunderstanding is poisonous, then it will be for you.  It's just a belief, just a thought! It's not real.  
3. It is possible, and actually almost a certainty, that you have unconscious beliefs of which you are not even aware.  These beliefs can cause your Meaning-Making Machine (i.e. your brain) to create the most negative possible meaning out of any event or statement that is even slightly ambiguous.
4. You cannot avoid all misunderstandings, because they are not all your fault.  Understanding is a thing that your listener does with your help, but in the end it is entirely the listener's responsibility.  They will make whatever meaning of your messages that they will, and there's not one thing you can do about it. 
5. If YOU do not consciously choose to reprogram your unconscious mind to always seek the most positive possible meaning, then the world (our culture, the TV, your parents, etc) will program your unconscious for you, and odds are that your unconscious will be programmed to find the most negative, poisonous possible meaning out of everything that anyone says or does.  Next stop: advanced Paranoia and total isolation from every living being.  It's epidemic, but it's also your choice as long as you know that it is.

Next, 

Again, there are so many pernicious lies embedded in this particular glurgefest, I scarcely know where to begin.  While it's hard to argue with the sentiment to always be nice to children, I will anyways.  One of the things wrong with the world are the existence of too many children to whom no one has ever said, "No."

The premise is that we can unknowingly cripple a child for life by saying the wrong thing, and so we tiptoe around the child and give them all the power in the relationship.  This causes two things: it makes insecure children who always feel like victims thus crippling them for life, and it makes weak adults who shirk their responsibilities to the child and fail to take the opportunity for spiritual advancement that parenthood affords.

What about the adult who feels crippled by some wrong word that someone said to them as a child?  The adult who, according to this picture, is in need of "repair?" There are two lies sneaking in to your brain within that little premise.  One is that you can repair a person, or if it's you, that you need someone other than yourself to fix you.  The truth is that you can't save anyone.  They have to do it themselves.  Similarly, you have within you everything necessary to "fix" yourself.  Everything, except possibly the awareness of that fact.

A child younger than about age seven can not critically dismiss any of the things it hears, and unconsciously accepts them as true.  But as an adult, you do have the ability and responsibility to seek out and replace any of the false, disempowering beliefs you picked up as a child.  You have the opportunity and duty to gain awareness.

The order of operation is not as suggested by the picture - make sure the children aren't damaged because there's no longer any hope for us.  The correct order is 1) to become more conscious as an adult and with volition to chose our beliefs; 2) THEN we will be able to raise children who will know that they must do the same as we, and will not live their lives as the victims of other's words.

Hopefully one more example will be enough for you to be able to identify and actively resist the lies that keep people living small:

The underhanded, undermining premise here is that "other people" are the source of the "wonderful things" in life.  By corollary, the only thing coming out of ourselves is shit.  Of course this is complete bollocks - utter nonsense.

Rather than planting the lie in your mind that "(without some special person, we) are without a source of wonderful things," this belief should be actively refuted using the truth that each of us is the source of many wonderful things.  Each of us is our own source of Divinity, goodness, strength, power, love, and peace. It is only that disease called co-dependency that "needs" other people. But if we are awake to the truth, then we do not "need" other people at all.  We can choose or choose not to share a part of our life with another person.

To live as a victim means to blame any of your woes on another person, on circumstances, or on any excuse so carefully crafted as to be completely beyond your control or influence.  What is your big excuse?  If you examine it closely and objectively, looking under the surface, you will discover that it is a fabrication of your own manufacture.

To throw off the culture of Victimhood means to take full responsibility for everything in your life, and to re-gain the control over your mortal experience that you forgot you had.

"But John, isn't it insane to pretend that the situation you're in isn't very bad if it actually is?"

Insanity is a symptom of resisting reality.  I'm suggesting just the opposite: accept reality and surrender to it; either reserve judgement on it as good or bad, or else seek and find a way to judge it as potentially positive in the long run.  We can change our thoughts, but only if we know it and believe it.  When we change our thoughts, our circumstances gradually (or sometimes rapidly) adjust to our way of thinking.

"How is that even physically possible?"

All behavior has its roots in thought.  All actions were first a mental impulse, either one we chose or one that was chosen for us - someone else's script we are unwittingly acting out.  Throw off the slavery of other people's thoughts, scripts, and judgments.  Throw off the shackles of Victimhood and begin to think your own thoughts!  Choose ones that will empower you and cause you to take the actions that will inexorably lead you into better circumstances: better relationships, better finances, better mental and physical health.


Sometimes all you need to know is that a thing is possible before you find a way to make it happen.

I got those Bridgetown Blues

There's a sleepy logging town buried in the forests of southwest Western Australia.  You would probably not take much notice of it if you were passing through on your way to somewhere else.

But on one weekend each November, its population explodes from 2970 to over 15,000 as fans and musicians descend on the town from all over the globe for a three-day party.  You would certainly notice Bridgetown then.  There is no "just passing through," because Bridgetown IS the destination.

Besides, they block off the main road.

Friday night at The Blue Owl, a 1000-man tent full of Blues.  Charlie
Musselwhite performing.

This year is the 20th anniversary of the Blues at Bridgetown music festival, and the first year I've been able to attend in spite of A) being a dyed-in-the-wool lifelong Blues addict, and B) living just 3 hours away from Bridgetown for the last dozen years. But this year I finally answered the call.

Literally.  The phone rang Tuesday morning, four days before the event.  My best mate Tim had the news that the West Coast Blues Club had been given a 50-minute slot at one of the five venues on Saturday night, but that their house band had flaked out for one reason or another and couldn't make it.

The club president had asked Tim to put something together.

The gig was unpaid, but the free admission to all areas of the festival was worth $186.  All we had to do was get there.  Oh, and find a bassist and drummer too.  This turned out to be harder than it sounds.

But Tim was persistent and resourceful, and after phoning nearly everyone he had ever played with, managed to put together an amazing lineup of musicians, meeting the following high standards of qualifications:

1. They have their own instruments and transportation.
2. They are free during the scheduled performance.
3. The credible prospect of Public Humiliation does not faze them.

Using these exacting criteria we put together a band that played for the first time together on stage in public at the Bridgetown Blues festival.  No rehearsals, no practice, no warm-up.

Sometimes the light's all shining on me.

You'll have to take my word for it that it came off incredibly well, all things considered.  Because finding someone to take some video was one thing we were regrettably unable to pull off at the last minute.  But it might have been something like this plus bass and drums, and on an outdoor stage in the rain.  Use your imagination.

Tim, drummer Aki and I on stage at the Green Room musicians club.

But that was just one of the amazing experiences we had.  The rest of the weekend was spent weaving through crowds from one stage to another, checking out as many acts as we could, availing ourselves of the services of food vendors when absolutely necessary, jamming with local musicians at The Green Room, and then taking a quick kip in the backs of our utes off the side of a deserted road when caffeine could no longer postpone sleep.

The Utes: our mobile motels, storage facilities, dining halls, research
centres, and rehearsal studios.

But all good things come to an end, including my supply of Dr Pepper, and so it's back to the real world on Monday.  

             ____

Here's a list of some of the amazing performers I had the chance to see and hear:

Scottie Miller - a piano player from that historic incubator of the Blues on the Mississippi: Minneapolis, Minnesota.  Also a protege of my great piano heroes: Dr John, Prof. Longhair, and the great James Booker.

Minnie Marks

Minnie Marks - looks like a teenage girl, plays bottleneck like Robert Johnson and Eric Clapton's love child after forty cups of coffee, if that were even biologically possible ('cause you'd probably be dead after that much coffee).  This complete mismatch between appearance and sound absolutely blew the lid off the largest venue at Bridgetown.  I saw hairy tattooed biker dudes jumping, clapping and screaming like little girls at a Justin Bieber concert.

Mia Dyson - Janice Joplin meets Joan Jett meets Concrete Blonde in this Melbourne-born rocker now working LA. Miss this act and Mia will personally and deservedly punch you in the face.  

Dream Boogie - an Australian act fronted by a luxuriously seductive Mississippi Bayou Queen complete with feather headdress and sleeveless sequined gown, and backed by a solid blues trio with an authentic sound.  An unforgettable live experience.

Ali Penney - a piano-playing barmaid from Sydney takes it on the road with a powerful Blues act.  BONUS:  Her bassist Hans Deberitz played on stage with Tim and me!!! How cool is THAT???

Mojo Webb - a hot blues frontman with talent coming out his ears.  It started raining during his performance at the Geegelup open-air venue, but I could not turn away.  By the end of the set, I was soaked to the skin.  No matter, though.  Rain comes and goes, but Blues are for life. 

2012 Western Australia Innovator of the Year

This (almost) annual program is meant to recognize the best innovation of the year, but how do you define "best?"
Innovator of the Year 2012 IOTY 2012 Western Australia
I'll tell you.  The "best" innovation is the one that has the greatest impact for the most people over the longest period of time into the future.

Got it?  Large Impact + Many people +  Long into the future.

Regrettably, I have to be the one to take the WA State Government to task, in particular the Department of Commerce, and in even more particular the IOTY2012 organising committee for failing to understand this simple, basic, clear meaning of "best."  I do this with their best interests at heart, and many of them are friends that I have known for years. So I feel I can be completely frank and honest about this:  The judges simply got it wrong this year, in my opinion.  But I'll let you be the judge of that.

In the emerging technology category (pre-revenue products), the finalists were:

Jonotoc - an all-natural and highly effective insecticide derived from (and I am NOT making this up) cockatoos' feathers.
Impact: potentially large.
Target: mainly the livestock industry in Australia.
Future:  until bugs evolve immunity, like every other insecticide, or until something better comes along.

I rate it about a 6 out of 10.


Floating droplet oil spill dispersant - a better remedy to marine oil spills.
Impact:  can significantly reduce the environmental impact of oil spills.
Target: basically, just oil spills.  Limited.
Future:  probably will become the standard for the next 2 to 3 decades.

I rate this about a 7 out of 10.


HiVAP alternative domestic evaporative cooling.  Uses water mist and a fantastically complex space-age-looking turbine wheel to cool the air slightly.
Impact: marginal power usage reduction in the evaporative cooling sector
Target: very questionable prospects for widespread uptake, either locally or internationally. As with all evap cooling, only works in LOW HUMIDITY environments.
Future:  not likely to be around in 5 years.

I rate this one a 1 out of 10.


StomaLife - quantum leap in ostomy devices, eliminating (har!) colostomy bags, skin infections, vastly improving quality of life for colostomy patients.
Impact: Significant improvement in lifestyle for colostomy survivors
Target: Millions of colostomy survivors worldwide and their carers
Future:  Immediate impact and destined to be the Standard device for the next 30 or 40 years.

I rate this one 9 out of 10.


Gene treatment for Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.  Makes a small number of sick people slightly less sick.
Impact: better than doing nothing, I guess.
Target: the relatively small number of humans with the DMD genetic disease.
Future: will hopefully eventually be superseded by something more like a cure.

I rate this a 3 out of 10.

___


In the Growth category (post-revenue), the finalists were:

Wear Liner attachment systems - a mechanical widget for attaching material handling wear plates to equipment.  This is an obvious and necessary incremental improvement.
Impact: Definite cost reduction and profitability boost to certain resources industries.
Target: Certain WA mining operations.  Limited.
Future: Destined to be standard for next generation or so.

I rate this a 6 out of 10 and endorse its immediate implementation.


REMSAFE remote electrical isolation systems.  Another necessary incremental improvement, saving time and money, and improving safety in certain industrial operations.
Impact: Definite cost reductions and productivity improvements in certain heavy industries.
Target: certain heavy industries, doesn't apply to everyone.
Future: will be standard for the next generation or so.

I rate this a 6 out of 10 and endorse its immediate implementation.


Kanopy online educational video distributor.  This is a very crowded field.
Impact: More copyrighted (not free) educational videos can be seen by students.
Target: some schools, universities that haven't heard of Youtube yet.
Future: Will soon be obsolete as the information distribution industry continues to rapidly evolve before our very eyes.  Business model is questionable, as there is no real money to be made out of education.

I rate this a 2 out of 10.  Weak and unnecessary "me too" effort.


L-3 Wireless Underwater wireless com - a 10-fold increase in range of undersea communications, recently successfully used by the Challenger Deep expedition.
Impact: Total game-changer in undersea communications technology.
Target: Every industry involved in building, servicing, operating marine equipment; scientific exploration, security, salvage, rescue, the list goes on.
Future:  The standard from now on and destined to influence the entire field for the next 50 years at least.

I rate this a 10 out of 10.


Now, what did the judges think?  In my opinion, they got it ALL WRONG.  Completely backwards.  The winner of the Emerging category was the worst one with the least potential impact, potential longevity,and smallest target:  the HiVAP evaporative cooler contraption, which I rated 1/10.   The real winner should obviously have been the StomaLife ostomy device, which I rated 9/10.

In the Growth category, the "winner" was Kanopy, the educational video thing which I rated 2/10.  The clearly superior innovation was the L-3 undersea communications system, to which I gave a perfect 10/10 score.

The "overall winner" was the gene therapy thing, which I rated as 3/10.


What do we learn from this?  The judges were obviously using a completely different definition of the word "best."  In every case, they gave the top gong to the worst finalist of each category!

Lest you call "sour grapes" on me and in the interest of full disclosure, I should state that I was involved with one of the applicants (not a finalist), which eventually took one of the "encouragement" awards.  (I'm actually a consultant to the inventors and a shareholder).   I was not expecting or requiring a win of any kind, and was quite surprised though pleased at the recognition we received.

I am emphatically NOT saying, "should have been us," but I am saying it should have been ANY of the other finalists other than the ones that actually won.

If you ever need to evaluate an invention, new product or innovation, follow this simple formula:

Big impact. Large audience.  Lasting effects.

The Shed Looks Back

Frolicking at The Shed in 2007

A Shed Down Under has been online for more than a year now.  It seems like a good time to look back and see what, if anything, has been accomplished.

This blog now has 99 posts, has been visited nearly 12,000 times, and has 1.10 Score (that's 1.8333 Dozen)  followers, some of whom are actually real people and not just my mother logging in under different google accounts.




The A List

The ten most popular posts of all time are:


The Cutting Edge of Technology.  (438 visits)  I am surprised by this result since it is certainly not my best work.  This is a sarcastic look at Western Australia's status (or not) as a technologically advanced civilization based on an astonishing personal experience.  I can only assume it is being read by all the lawyers who are working on the lawsuits pending as a result of what happened that day.


I Have a Theory! (346 visits)   Of all the posts, this one has come the closest to "going viral" thanks to the help of science educators, some of whom actually disagree with my lucid explanation of what a scientific theory is and isn't.  They're wrong.


A Complicated Day.  (267 visits)  This post means a great deal to me personally, and I'm gratified that it made it into the Top 10.  That is,  I WAS until I looked at the traffic sources.  Everyone who visited this page was searching for an image of "Abraham Lincoln With Hat."  Oh how disappointed they must be.


Exactly How Big is This Place?  (252 visits)  This is a very educational post.  Assuming that "educational" means "learning useless geographical facts about Australia."  Thanks to someone who shall remain nameless re-posting it on a gaming discussion board, lots of previously ignorant people are now educated.   Oh, ok - it was my nephew Jesse.


Theory of Awesomeness.  (250 visits)  Again, most of the traffic is people using google image search to try to find something Awesome.  This time, they were not disappointed.


American Health Care Is Stupid   (245 visits)  The most popular of my "Things are Stupid" series.  This post is actually more informative about the Australian health care system, allowing the reader to draw the obvious conclusions.  It also offers a sensible blueprint for any future politicians out there to follow who are foolish enough to attempt health care reform.


Why Australia is Better   (214 visits)  This post gives seven iron-clad reasons why every person in the world should immediately vacate that dodgy place they call home and relocate to Australia. (Note:  Do NOT relocate to Australia - too many people would ruin it.)


Top 10 Shed Improvements pt 2  (186 visits)  In my view, this post ironically doesn't deserve to be in the top 10.  The only reason it was so popular was that, apparently, how to insulate a steel structure after it has already been erected is a real problem that many people have (well, at least 186 people).


More Bugs than You Can Shake a Stick At  (182 visits)  This post explores the #1 reason why people should NOT relocate to Australia:  Australia is mostly bugs.


How Science Works II: The Prequel  (179 visits)  An impressive showing for such a very recent post, and destined to move up in the rankings. Again, its popularity is all thanks to the science teachers community, some of whom (again) do not agree with this clear and insightful perspective on science.  They are wrong (again).


The B List

These are posts that shocked and surprised even me by how utterly unpopular and under-visited they were.

How Science Works III: Sequel to the Prequel.  (13 visits)  I bet George Lucas can relate to these disappointing figures.

Politics Is Stupid  (14 visits)  One of the best of the "Things are Stupid" series.  Perhaps people think this is self-evident and there is nothing else they need to know.

Words Cannot Describe  (11 visits)  This is a philosophical masterpiece and deserves way more than 11 visits.

Making Vegetables Edible Again (30 visits)  One would think that exposing the global Conspiracy against males and their favorite foods would be way more popular than this.  Then again, the fact that it isn't proves that the Conspiracy is working.