Saturday, April 27, 2013

The Worst Mexican Restaurant in the Universe

I am pretty confident in making that statement, in spite of the fact that we have not thoroughly explored the entire universe yet.  Because "That Little Mexican Place" in South Fremantle isn't even Mexican food at all.  It's Food Wankery.

Food Wankery is when you put pretentious gibberish on the menu that you KNOW damn good & well that your customers cannot possibly understand.

Food Wankery is when the name of the restaurant makes an implied promise of Enchiladas, Tacos and Burritos that are at least a facsimile of actual Enchiladas, Tacos and Burritos; but instead delivers the following sort of bullshit that I swear I am NOT making up:

"Corn truffle (cuitlocoche) empanadas with guacamole (vegan) (gluten-free)"

"Crab albondegas in chipotle broth"

Roasted poblano chile with pork and apple, toasted walnut sauce (gluten-free)"

We quizzed the waitress for ten minutes on what any of this stuff could possibly be.  Upon hearing the waitress mispronounce "tortilla" phonetically instead of "tor-tee-ya," we decided this so-called Mexican restaurant was complete Food Wankery.

We left without ordering.

"The owner has been to Mexico a couple of times" protested the waitress.

Really.  She totally said that.

The awesomeness of Mexican food is in inverse proportion to the distance between the restaurant and Tucson, Arizona, this planet's epicenter of Mexican food.  Perth, Western Australia is about as far away on this planet as you can get from Tucson without starting to sneak back th'other side.  That puts me at a distinct disadvantage when my craving for Mexican food causes me to wander into pretentious snobby establishments serving pretentious, snobby food that has never even been heard of in Mexico.

Food Wankery is when customers are afraid to call Shenanigans on pretentious food snobs for fear of being labeled un-hip.  I have been eating Mexican food for almost half a century, sometimes right inside the Tucson city limits!!!!  So I am totally hip to what Mexican food is and ain't.

It ain't "Squash blossom quesadillas with pumpkin seed salsa," "Lamb Shank cooked barbacoa style with Mexican rice and salsa fresca (gluten-free)" or "Pork posole with red cabbage, radish and salsa roja."  I'm pretty sure simply adding red cabbage to anything disqualifies it from being Mexican food.

Mexican food is unpretentious rough peasant fare made from corn, beans, and whatever meat they managed to kill the day before.  Mexican food is spicy hot, with lots of peppers, onion, cilantro, and whatever cheese and sour cream is at hand.  Goat cheese will do, but orange store-bought cheddar is fine too.  Mexican food is steeped in spicy, saucy gravy for days, not minutes, so the complex flavors are well blended.

And Mexican sure as HELL ain't vegan or gluten-free!  Go back to Mexico one more time, you wanker, and this time try to find out how REAL people eat over there.

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