Thursday, February 2, 2012

In The Beginning . . .

... God made the earth flat because Man would have great difficulty comprehending it otherwise.  And as we knoweth, everything is designed either so Man can comprehend it easily, or so that he cannot know it at all.   Thus, if thou findest something is hard, then stop trying to figure it out.  Bury thou thy talent deep in the earth lest God be displeased with his servant and smite thee.

2.  And it came to pass that He placed the earth at the center of the universe, which at that time was a large glass sphere about sixty and six score cubits off the ground at the highest point, and was ordained with numerous tiny light bulbs that came on at night for decoration.

3.  This dideth He lest by any means Man might be scared shitless by the vast, enormous, humongous expanse of empty, violent Space in which the earth, yea the whole earth on which thou standest, is but a microscopic, infinitesimally tiny speck of dust.

4.  And it came to pass that Pharaoh and the Egyptians came and sent Eratosthenes to check out this "flat earth" thing and Lo! They discovered that the earth was actually round like unto a ball that was three thousand and seven hundred and four leagues in girth.

5.  And this displeased God mightily, who in his wrath caused Egypt to become a dodgy third-world country in modern times.

6.  And it came to pass that there arose a man named Johannes Kepler, and he did study the heavenly lightbulbs lo, for many nights studied he them.  And there came other men, named Nicolaus of Copernica and Galileo of Florence saying that the data prove the earth was not at the center of anything, and this glass sphere of God's was an illusion that didn't exist.

7.  And God saith, "Fine, have it your way."  Because it was three against one, anyway, and their data was pretty darn convincing.

8.  And on the 3.62004328966 x 10^12 day, God invented an astonishingly complex system of chemistry based on the Carbon atom which was capable of not only replicating molecules but adapting to conditions on the earth.

9.  And it came to pass that Moses came, seeking background material for a book he was working on which he called "Genesis," but it wasn't anything to do with the band.

10.  And God said, "See thou, Moses, my greatest work is a bio-programmable self-adapting system of biochemistry utilizing a code created from pairs of Guanine, Cytosine, Adenine and Thymine.  Behold!"

11.  And Moses said, "WTF are you talking about?"

12.  And God said, "(SIGH!)  Ok, the simplified version it is.  Basically, I created the plants and herbs of the field, and the fish and fowl of the waters, and all the barnyard animals male and female created I."

13.  And Moses said, "Can I quote you on that?"

Thanks, Kathy, for giving me the idea for this.  I learned something really valuable from writing this post.  Scripture is actually really easy to write.  Because if someone says, "hey, God didn't say that," then you just say, "prove it!" and that's the end of the argument.

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